Recently, I was asked how long my husband and I dated and how we “stayed in love?” I also was asked what Ioved most about him….. it made me think. Well, I personally think he is hysterical, he is thoughtful and very passionate about what he believes in. I love these qualities in him. This year will mark 40 years hanging out with my best friend (7 years dating and 33 married). How do we do it? Well, that’s the thing about love, it changes with time and seasons of life - there is no set equation and you constantly have to work on it. I think it is different for everyone!
Society says love is flowers, romantic dinners and lots of time spent together. We see posts about crazy outrageous “promposals”, extravagant engagement parties and gifts. I don’t think those things are all that exemplifies what love is. I think there is way more to love than opening a door for someone, sweet nicknames and always putting your dishes in the sink (although I do love all three of these). I think love can be seen in the day to day ordinary things.
For me LOVE is this…
In high school, LOVE is handwritten notes passed to each other in the hall between classes, “Friday Flowers” during football season (class fundraisers), long phone calls in the closet in the middle of the night so our parents can’t hear, homecoming mums (they were small and real flowers) for 4 years, slow dances in the high school cafeteria, supporting each other in sports events, eating two family dinners, lots of movies, Taco Bueno, Chilis, hanging out in parking lots, going to church youth group events, summer camps, church choir trips and walking to Braums. It’s about the first one to say, “I love you!”
When your boyfriend goes to college 6 hours away and you are still in high school, love looks like a letter EVERY Thursday in the mail, funny inappropriate cards, more long distance calls in the middle of the night in the closet so your parents won’t hear, daily countdowns until we would see each other again, surprise weekend visits, trips to the college town for your birthday, and being ok with coming back to homecoming and prom when you have already graduated. Love is saying,” I love you” when you drive away again.
Love in college is late night dinners, hanging with each others friends- some we liked-some we didn’t, road trips, rescuing each other in snow storms and dust storms, early classes, skipping classes, doing each other’s assignments, late night dancing, “non parental social events”, driving each other home, struggling through each other’s new life decisions and supporting each other’s dreams! It’s the crazy memories we will never tell our kids or parents! It’s a marriage proposal (after a huge fight) under a 3rd floor balcony with potted tulips because you couldn’t find any cut flowers. Love is saying, “I want to love you forever!”
Love in your 20’s - early marriage - is tough, but worth the struggle. It’s trying to figure out what we want to do in life and being there for each other, it’s busy days and weeks where we barely see each other. It’s horrible meals but acting like you love them! It’s 1 AM dates at IHOP just to see how your weeks are going, and it’s driving 45 minutes one way on the ice to drop off a change of clothes since you are scared for the other one to drive home on the ice. It is supporting/respecting the job and people that take us away from one another a bunch, but knowing it is temporary and building something strong in us for our future!. It’s learning to budget together and knowing the bills are ours - not individual. It’s appreciating what we do for each other - not focusing on what we don't. It’s learning to love each other’s family quirks - after all we are family now! It’s about being encouraging when we change jobs and being excited about the future even though it’s so scary! It’s trust! It’s forgiveness! It’s learning to accept each other’s wants and needs. It’s giving and taking. It’s really beginning to figure out that we want it to be 50/50, but sometimes it’s 20/80 and that’s ok. It’s about listening, not just hearing. It’s about caring even if you don’t understand. It’s about finding the faith you had as a kid and learning to live it out and build it together. Love is saying, “ This is so hard, but we’ve got this!I love you!”
Love with little kids is learning it is no longer about “us!” It’s about living out of a laundry mountain, about being ok with a quick meal or a meal at 10 pm or no meal at all. It’s about singing kids songs in the big bad truck and looking cool while taking the kids to daycare! It’s about going to the store at 10 PM for poster board. It’s about being the coach, or the team mom and organizing family trips to the zoo and Sea World. It’s about asking the grandparents to babysit to go on a much needed date. Love is about making sure you share your faith with your kids and making it a priority. It’s about late night fights, long discussions and making up after the kids go to bed! It’s about making sure the kids see your attention and belief in each other. It’s about learning to keep your mouth shut and counting to ten or walking away, but always coming back with a hug and saying, “I love you no matter what!”
While parenting teenagers love looks like patience, laughter and expecting the unexpected. It’s about dealing with hormones and awkward moments. It's about trust and letting go of them while we hold on to each other. It’s about respecting each other when we totally don’t understand each other. It’s loving each other when we are looking and feeling old and tired. It’s about taking turns waiting up to see headlights in the driveway. It’s about being together on discipline and rules. It’s about being positive examples and teaching traditions to be passed on. It is about having the kids in on a surprise for each other. It’s about kissing and holding hands in front of the kids:) It’s about taking deep breaths when the other is going through midlife stuff you don’t understand. Love is just holding on sometimes and remembering to say, “I love you!”
Finally, love as empty nesters is unique! It’s about getting used to each other again and going on dates! It’s about sitting on the porch talking about what the kids are doing. It’s about our hearts hurting when the kids are sad and celebrating when they are happy! It’s about realizing we have done the best we can do for them and now we just sit back, enjoy and continue to pray! It’s about having the time to celebrate us! It’s about impromptu trips to silly places. It’s about going to bed super early just because you can or staying up super late watching movies. It’s about Tupperware and cutting boards for Christmas. It’s about “snack bags” on road trips and bringing home the other person’s favorite treat from “ the corner.” It’s about getting up and making coffee for each other and making brunch later on. It’s about making hamburgers at least once a week! Love looks like calling each other “sleepy head, Momma or Daddy” instead of your name. Love is being excited about the two tomatoes and six jalapenos in the garden. It’s about telling each other to not get hit by a car when you go walking and to ALWAYS wear your seatbelt when you drive off! It’s knowing when to choose your battles. The paper towels and leftover snacks left on the counter will not kill you! It’s knowing sleeping on the couch is not about being mad it’s usually about someone snoring or a dog taking up too much room on your side of the bed! Love is continuing to keep faith a priority and working on that together more now than ever - you have a new generation of little eyes that will be watching what you do! Finally, I think love is ALWAYS remembering to say “Thank you” and forever saying “I love you!”
Love is a lot of work and it looks differently for everyone! If it’s true love, it can also hurt at times! It is not always easy. But, being in love is fun and IS SO WORTH IT! So how have my husband and I stayed in love? We work on it EVERYDAY and don’t take for granted that we found each other! We are opposites in so many ways… but it works for us. It keeps life interesting. Yes, there have been some rough times, but the good SO outweigh the bad. You need each other to get out of the tough times that life throws your way. My advice… lots of prayer and faith, remember that it is not always about what you want, the more positive you give to the relationship, the more positive you will get back, don’t freak out over the little things, always wear your seatbelt and say “I love you,” EVERY DAY!